My letter of accepting

I've accepted your apology in order for me to move on I accepted your apology in order to free myself from anger I held onto for 8 years I accepted your apology not for breaking my heart and causing  me great pain but for allowing me to grow into the strong women I am today and allowing me to  find strength in areas of my life where I fail weak Yes I gave you all my love even loved you when you didn't return your love too me I grew bitter and cold afraid too love again afraid to give myself too another because of old wounds that never healed I've placed my heart under lock and key so the next wouldn't do me harm I use to think I wasn't pretty enough that I would never find someone to love me like you once did but I realize now that I would never allow myself to have someone to love me the way you did but find me someone to love me better then you once did. Unforgiveness breeds bitterness,  I don't want to rob myself of ever finding true love again Our memories I'll cherish but on this day I accept your apology I will never know your reasons why it took you 8 yrs to apologize but know that in my heart I forgive you but don't get it confused with rebuilding a relationship with you because that will never happen.

Finding faith

Faith, that word didn't exist to me it wasn't in my vocabulary, it had no meaning to me I had erased that word from my life only because faith was no where around when I needed it to be. Faith let me down to many times when I held on to the little bit that I did have only to get disappointed I blamed faith for my silent cries when I gave clues that something wasn't right, I cried out so many times that my cries were nothing more then a whisper that had slowly faded away. Its been 4years now I'm able to look back on all that I can finally say I opened my heart up to faith  I realize now that faith never left me I just needed a little strength to be strong so I can make it through the difficult days  Carol "raindow6" Banks...Next episode coming soon....

Double sided mirror

Whenever I would look into a mirror I saw someone who wasn't me, I saw a stranger,she looked like me but the women I grew to became wasn't the girl my parents had raised too speak up for herself I saw a frightened lonely soul longing to be loved for the right reason and not for all the wrong reasons.I was tired of pretending to be someone who wasn't me I was tired of just being tired and carrying so much weight on my shoulders I had everyone fooled family, friends & even my coworkers They had no clue as to what went on,on the other side of my door boy if those walls could talk. There were many nights where I thought about ending it all then my heart wouldn't be in so much pain & I wouldn't be living a lie when people would ask if I were ok Shit, what the point of living when the love of my life had introduced me to his best friend "Smith & Wesson " and threatened if I leave him his best friend would take care of me All I could think about was Who's going to protect me know.....Carol "raindow6" Banks Next episode coming soon...

Halloween, 365 days

You wore so many masks, had so many disguises I didn't know you anymore it was as if I had fallen in love with a stranger, a stranger in our home because the man I thought I had fallen in love with he wasn't you. You had everyone fooled  False adviser, was who you were you sold me with good looks, charm & smooth talker. Dr.Jekyll & Mr. Hide was whom I thought you had becoming the one thing was I saw more of Mr Hyde Diffrent as day & night I realized that I had made a bad investment on love  I decided to ride it out not knowing there would be so many bumps in the road before I'm able to smooth certain parts of my life out and be happy in love again one day....Carol "raindow6" Banks...Next episode coming soon...

On being fair

Fair, come on really? Fair, what about forcing me to do things against my will,  what about taking something special away from me just because in your mind I was your women and that made it right what about me having fear in my heart and being afraid to fall asleep not knowing if I'll wake up looking Smith & Wesson head on I had put so much faith in you We had the world fooled they saw us as " the happy couple " the couple that was so in love but little did they know we weren't that loving couple that had labeled us to be....Carol "raindow6" Banks...Next episode coming soon

Stolen identity

Doing all the things I said I wouldn't do and never doing the things I wanted to do I became a stranger to myself all because I was so high off his love couldn't see myself doing anything if it didn't involved being around him Shut my family, friends and my social life out all because of his jealous ways I let this man validate who I was I  let him take  away the only thing that I stood for and that was defining who I was. I was brain washed into being someone that wasn't me I remember thinking how could this be happening to me. My life wasn't always that picture perfect photo that hung from our bedroom wall, it wasn't that perfect relationship that people labeled us as having and the smile I often would wear was just and upside down frown I tried so hard to hide....Carol "raindow6" Banks .....Next episode coming soon

Shattered Dreams

Every girl dreams of having that prefect man too love them through good and bad someone too except them for who they are flaws and all. I dreamed of walking down that isle as my dad gives me away Im standing there looking my true love in his face thinking too myself Damn, I must be the luckiest girl in the world today. But, dreams don't always come true they just be that a dream. We meet that one special person who we share secrets with that special someone who we can be ourselves when we're around each other  I thought I had found this in him Looking back now I realize he had taken me for granted that everything we build together wasn't built on that strong foundation as I thought it was We had more earthquakes that had rock the foundation we so-called build....Carol " raindow6" Banks Next episode coming soon

I wasn't prepared for this test

No one told me about the rules on love, no one told me about the many diffrent challenges that comes with love nor did they tell me I would shed a few tears. I had spent so many sleepiness nights trying to figure out where we went wrong, this wasn't the life we dreamed, this wasn't what I had signed up for. He wasn't the man that I had fallen in love with, he wasn't the man who loved me unconditional he had turned into this evil person but I still chose to remain by his side. So young, dumb and in love I thought it was normal thought it was cute for him to have so much control over me I just took it was his way of protecting me thought it was his way of showing how much he had loved me and that he would do anything for me Little did I know he was the one I needed protection from...Carol " raindow6 " Banks...Next episode coming soon....

My journey

You can never assume someones life is perfect because of a smile You can never assume someones life is good because their so full of life. My journey starts today and I celebrate this as a new chapter in my life a new beginning of my life It took me 4 years to over come a bad break up We were together 12 years although, we never married I invested so much into my relationship, stood by his side through countless women that had tarnished our relationship,stood by his side through the lies, the rape and mental and emotional abuse. If only those walls could talk they have so many secrets, secrets that I never told my family secrets that only the walls & I share. Growing up as a child my mom always told me too never air my dirty laundry out for the whole world to see that's why I never spoke a word about what went on behide 12009 Griffing Ave. There were no physical abuse more so emotional and mental there were no visible scars, words cut just as deep I took my angry out on any and everyone that came around, because of his mistakes pushed people away that came close out of fear of getting hurt.How could someone claim to love you hurt you so badly I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth I worked hard just to make a decent life for myself and at a blink of an eye it was all taken away from me that's why I appreciate everything I have and don't complain about nothing. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever image my life the way it was.....Carol "Raindow6" Banks. The next episode coming soon....

In love with a stranger

Is it possible to fall in love with a stranger I had asked myself that question for the last 7 years or should I say is it possible to love someone so hard that you see pass all their mistakes their flaws and still love them for who they once were despite the many diffrent women that came between you two and overlooking the love child that was conceived out of lies that he hide for 10 years I love this man so hard that I saw past the "I'm sorry" the "Could you please forgive me " the "Can we work it out" I was so into this man that his love child turned out to be his best friend child I was to blind to see that the man I had fallen in love with had become a stranger He had turned from this loving caring man into this evil hateful person