Regrets

July 21st will always be a day I will remember (always) this was the day I had terminated my pregnancy this was one of the most hardiest things I had to deal with Dee was very supportive but he had let it be known that if I go thought with this that he wasn't going to be there while I end our child's life that I understood but I just hoped that we had understood that this wasn't what I wanted I wanted him to understand that I had just become a new nurse and kids at that time wasn't in my plan.But he never really got over it cause as time went on I was reminded of what I did.Regrets is what I will always live with You have to understand that being a Peds Cardiologist Nurse at the Cleveland Clinic here in Cleveland Ohio had its share on me meaning every time I was around those kids/babies I thought about my baby wondering what she/he would have been what he/she may have looked like the thought of me not holding or never bonding with my baby There where times I had to run off to the bathroom just to pull it all together Dee had become very distance for awhile I didn't think we were going to make it it was as if he had become a stranger to me that someone had kidnapped the Dee I had falling in love with there were a lotof times where I would sleep alone because Dee found the quess room to more suitable to him at that time.As time went on Dee was becoming more of himself he did apologize and gave me reason why he was so distance I forgave him  We went on with our Life's. that following year I was faced with another decision I had make or should I say rethink.

My Child

I dream of you often wondering what you look like wondering if you were a boy or girl There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you Never got the chance to hold you to feel you to smell the sweetness of your skin I know someday I will have the chance to see my precious child There are no words that can explain my actions for not wanting you but I just hope you will understand that I wanted the best for you I wanted to give you a better Life then I When the time is right I hope that God will send you back to me so that I can have a second change to love you even more Love Mommy

So Confuse

I had so much weight on my shoulders it was such a heavy load I really Love Dee and would do anything not to hurt him but I also had to think of myself as well Dee and I weren't married he's a well known football player Being with a football player,basketball player tennis player for that matter any athlete had its ups and down meaning there are a lot of time when the couple are away from one another there are so many days/nights spent away from home We had a wonderful relationship I to had a lot going for myself I just didn't think me bringing a kid into my world right now was good the timing was all wrong I knew I couldn't give a baby all the attention that he/she would need I didn't want to be one of those moms that wasn't involved in the 24hr care of her child I didn't want any nanny raising my child I didn't want the care of some baby sitter caring and bounding with my New Born.On the other hand Dee had no idea that I felt this way I was so more afraid to tell him that I didn't want the baby then him going to jail.There I was getting ready for work when the phone rang it was Dee, it was sweet music to my ears when I heard those words "I got off baby we did it baby we did it" what do you mean we did it I replied the judge give me probation with a fine that's wonderful Boo see you when you get home" Love You" all the while am thinking of ways to tell him that I want an abortion that the timing was all wrong to have a baby.I was cooking dinner when Dee returned home with a welcome kiss that was followed by a huge Dee knew something was wrong I figure I had better tell him "better now then never right ?Blog you later

Fear of being alone

With Dee looking to do time in jail I had come to realize that the better part of me wasn't going to be there I had got use to the fact that no matter what was going on in my life he was always there I had got use to going to bed with him and waking up to him no matter if he had away games or not sure, I went to bed alone but when I would wake up I knew he would be there next to me I knew I would sometimes be awaken with a kiss letting me know he was home but not all nights were followed by a kiss.If Dee knew I had worked long hrs at the hospital he would let me sleep in But the biggest fear I had was being alone and not having him with me I wasn't sure if I could do everything on my own without him you know taking care of bills stuff like that even though I still had my own place I felt it was still my responsibility to handle his bills since I have been staying with him for that last 6mths We still kept my lease to my apartment only because I didn't want to break the lease and still end up paying for it.I know some of you may be thinking why the "hell would I be responsible for he's bills" but before you judge me I was living there we were in a relationship so I felt it was only fair.The night before he was due in court to face the judge I think I had never been more close to God meaning relationship wise I think I had talk to God more that night then any other time in my life asking him not to take Dee away from me not right now anyway We were just starting a relationship I needed him to. I remember Dee holding me close in his arms telling me that everything would be OK that he had taken care of everything that the bills was already taken care of for the next 6mths (He was thoughtful like that) I guess in the back of his mind he some how knew that he would do the 6mths.That morning Dee's lawyer's where all at the house getting last min things together me watching Dee walking from room to room hands in his pockets was hard to watch he was a "hot mess" I remember over hearing him tell one of his lawyers that he can't do this(Go to jail) not now not with everything else that was going on in his life or should I say our life's. Before learning  Dee might be up for some jail time we had learned that we were expecting our first child together.There were so many mix emotions going on in my mind about the baby I was still young had a great job working with 2 of the most well-know Hospitals here in Cleveland,The Cleveland Clinic and University Hospitals Of Cleveland you all might be thinking how did I pull that one(working for 2 well-known Hospitals) I did and still is to this day.Having a baby for me at that time wasn't a good idea a lot of women might see it as $$$$ I still had a lot I wanted to do with myself  plus having a baby doesn't keep a relationship together I remember thinking to myself how would I tell the man I Love that I didn't want this baby not now not like this so afraid of what he might think I still couldn't find the words to tell him Blog you Later !

Is the grass greener on the other side?

Some say the grass is greener on the other side but is it really or do we seem to think so only because in some way shape or form we weren't use to certain things that had come into our lifes until we come across someone who did everything for you, someone who had given you the world or that someone who was always there to give that shoulder or that ear when time got the best of you.To me my grass was greener on the other side not because he had given me every and anything  I wanted but just because of the attention the love he had showed me and to me that was enough.There were times I would think what my life would have been like if I didn't have him would I have ever had someone to love me as much as he did.Some women get involved with men for all the wrong reason they seem to think that money is more important then love While others just need that attention from her man.So remember sometimes the grass is not greener on the other side its only what you make of it and what you my seem to think is diffrent cause you never had or are not use to what have come into you life

Holding it down

When we had settle in for the night I was surprise when Dee had ask me to relocate with him to Miami now in the back of my mind the idea sounded great but was I ready to give up the life I had here in Ohio to move thousand miles away from friends, family and my job I don't think so, Dee was a wonderful person but at that time I thought we were kinda rushing our relationship things were happening so fast for me first there I was this normal girl having fun in a club with a couple friends to losing her virginity to a man within 2months of dating him to co-living with him to him asking me to move to another city with him.Dee had been use to relocating since he had once been traded to another team but as for me Cleveland was all I knew working for Cleveland Clinic was all I know .The thought of me being in Miami scared the hell out of me wondering will I find work yes I said work this is my calling caring for the sick.Dee and I were so close that he often came to me with ideas about how he should handle certain things in his life/career.But before Dee could up and go to Miami he still had to deal with personal things With off season coming at us so fast there we were back in court to see it he had to serve 6mths on the weapon charges that were pending against him Blog you later

Holding It Down

When Dee's past came back to haunt him things at that point seem to not go right for him at this point he had a lot to deal with but the media didn't make things better "As if they do anyway" facing a 6 mth jail term let alone being traded to the Dolphins wasn't easy.I started to rethink my relationship wondering if I had made the right choice as far as coming into something that I wasn't use to but I thought long and hard and realized that we were in this together and it wouldn't be right to leave after all he had done for me.As me being his lady it was only fair for me to stand by Dee's side and ride the roller coater relationship out because I knew it was going to be a bumpy ride so I decided to stay for the ride.Dee did his best to protect me from his troubles the only time his problems were in plan view is when he would ask if I be by his side when he had court appearances but still he did his best to protect me from the media a true gentlemen he is I will always love him for that like any relationship we had our ups and downs but the good always out weight our bad I guess that's why we stayed as strong as we did When Dee was away for games there were times in my life where I thought "what would I do"if he did go away for 6 mths don't get me wrong I knew I would be OK because I did before he had come into my life it was just the thought of not having him there with only 1mth left before the season would be over and not knowing what his future had planned for him I wasn't sure if we would remain together meaning with Dee having to relocate to a different city and me having my Life here in Cleveland I was unsure about our relationship you know that long distance thing but Dee had surprise me one night after coming home from dinner no we didn't live together we just "co-lived" is my definition of a couple being together but not Living together he thought this was Funny as hell he would always laugh when I make my own words up out of no where but that was me doing me kinda like keeping our relationship fun I guess.Blog you later !

Lets take a step back.

Im going to back up a little bit here kinda like rewind my blog you know, give a reason for my blogs so you can understand a little bit of where Im coming from Sometimes I wounder if I made a bad decision as far as giving my virginity away to a pro baller don't get me wrong it wasn't what you all maybe thinking so dont judge me until you have walked in my shoes.Im no groupie nor am I what some seem to call Jump-offs/Side Kicks just a girl in my opinion in the right place at the right time meaning just for a moment in my life I had finally found someone to love me.The moment Dee came into my life I knew it was going to be diffrent not sure how diffrent I just knew diffrent in away that my life would take a total change in the right/wrong direction but in a good way So young and scared so inexperienced did'nt know how he would take to me or my life style.He was so use to the fast life you know drinking the many diffrent women that flowed freely in and out he's life just because of who he was. Diffrent city diffrent girl he had the money fame and thats what draw the women his way Not sure if this was his life but we all know at some point we seem to misjudge athletics as being male whores.I was never blinded by Dee's fame never blinded by Dee's money like I had stated in my other blogs I didnt know he was a football player at first not until 2-3 mths into the relationship.So what Im saying is when Dee and I agreed to end the relationship we very much stayed close only because the relationship ended on good terms he wanted a stay at home girlfriend  I wanted my career just as he did football.Nursing is and forever will be my life I love taking care of the sick this is my calling just as fooball is and will always be Dee's. I just hope the next man I meet  is very understanding that I didn't waste 2 yrs of my life to became a Cardiology Nurse to just be a stay at home wife/girlfriend Its been 2 yrs now that we had ended our relationship and since then I have remained single am just afraid that I 'll never find anyone to love me for who I am but sometimes being alone gets the best of me.

My Thoughts "Part 2"

Never understood the true meaning of Love until you came into my life/You filled my life with so much joy and happiness I never dream it could be this way/You taught me that being in Love is not only loving the person your with but loving them for who they are/You shown me so many things there is to see I never knew could be/Am putting my heart under lock and key not afraid of falling in love but afraid I'll never find true love/You have given me so much more then life itself not sure how I can ever repay you for the Love you have given to me/You brought new meaning of love in my life and opened my eyes to a diffrent world/Your friends and family excepted me for who I was they didn't judge me because of where I came from am greatful to have had the chance to see such wounderful people/Even in the end they still have much Love and respect for me/Just want to say Thank you Guys so much for the warm welcome ,Love and respect you all have giving me.

My Thought's

Still young with room to grow/My life I have yet to live for its only just beinging/You have taught me so much yet I still have room to learn/So young and in Love not knowing if it would stand the test of time/You gave me comfort and hope to hold on/Not sure what life has planned for me or if I'll Love again/Just knowing your in my life I will be ok/ Being with you had taught me the value of life and what friendship really mean
Thank you Babe for loving me the way you do.

On Being Excepted

Even though we are no longer together he still play a big role in my life and I respect that No matter what time of day it was I knew he will be there for me(true friend) Love you ? I recall telling ? how I wanted to blog you know kinda like keeping a journal/dairy of special things that have/had happened to me in my life how would he feel he just ask if I would not name names that I understand because the media had already criticized him for certain things in his life about bad decision he had made in his career.When my friends/family found out who I was dating some of them was a little upset because they thought ? was using me just for sex even though I was a virgin when we met it wasn't about the sex I remember my father saying "I hope you know what your getting yourself into you know he can have anyone he wants because of who he is there may be other women just as yourself so be carefully" I understood that but I also understood that ? wasn't that type of person from the moment ? found that he was the only man that I have been with I think he had more respect for me as a person.And if anyone is wondering yes he still plays ball and doing is "thang" had to get my slang on LOL! We had some wonderfully times together vacations were always the best  For me to be just a "Girlfriend" his teammates and their wives treated me with open arms.Blog you later on my 1st visit to the home of ? its a surprise you will never believe me if I told you who it is til tomorrow later.