Prayers, what are they are they failed hopes that things would get better are they failed attempts to make things right or is it something that we seem to ask to much of  There was a time in my life where I prayed all the time prayed for my life to be better prayed that Uncle Evil Villain would get help that he needed I knew he was sick not health sick but mental head sick cause who in their right mind would do harm on a child I often prayed for my parents to notice that something wasn't right with me that something wasn't right with their daughter I prayed to God that he would always be with me and keep me safe but my prayers never got answered I guess God was to busy with everyone else demands that he didn't have time to hear me or to listen to me or maybe he just didn't care was I a bad child to my parents was God punishing me There were so many times I often wondered why was I different why was I the chosen one different meaning did someone hold the winning ticket to rob me of my childhood chosen one meaning out of all the women in the world why did he have to have me a "child".

Promises, why do we make them but only turn around to break them knowing like hell we're never going to live up to them do we tend to say "I promise" to make our self look good my whole Life has been nothing but broken promises so I erase that word from my world it doesn't exist to me anymore Parents promise to always protect their young promise to always be there promise to always shelter us I look at it like this where were you your protection when he hurt me where were you when I needed you the most I couldn't find my way to you you promise to shelter me where were you when I needed you to wrap me in your arms and tell me that every things going to be OK now and wipe the tears away make the pain go away...

Who could it have been...

I've came across so many obstacles in my life so many bumpy roads dead end roads it seems as if am going in circles like a marry-go round am just waiting for someone to stop the ride so I can get off then I realize its just me alone on the ride no one can stop it its up to me rather I want to get off or continue down the wrong path "the road to no where"I got to stay focus got to pull it together..... There have been people who have come into my life for all the wrong reason there have been people who have come into my life for the right reason no matter what their reasons where they all taught me a lesson in some why.Then I have to take a step back and ask myself "Is this what I really want" Is this the road I really want to stay on" maybe I should stop turn around go back pull over and rethink " but it seems as though I've lost my way there's no way out I've been driving in circles I've come to a dead end road I see this old man so I stop to ask him for direction he said"My child your going the wrong way God See's and hears you he knows you want to do right he's just waiting for you to turn your life around so he can guide you its all up to you so choose wisely" So the old man points for me to go the opposite direction I had come from still I'm unaware of my surroundings as I look in my rear view mirror I realize the old man is no longer stand there I'm thinking where could he had gone in the middle of no where for that matter where did he come from could it have been my guardian Angel protecting me,prevented me from going back down the same road I had come from...

Introduction of Kelly

Kelly, who is she is she misunderstood or is she someone with a story waitng to be told I kind of think im a little bit of both.Misunserstood I have to say there where times in my life were people just took me for granted they just took avantaged of my friendship I was a giving person always looking out for others.There are some people like my family and close friends of mine that look at me everyday and never knew what went on behide close doors they look at me with this smile on my face and all they see is a happy person they see someone thats full of life full of energy but what they really don't see is this isn't a smile its a frown thats mistaken for a smile cause I try to hide the unhappniess full of life not really cause if you haven't really lived your life how could you be"full of life" full of energy no not really im worn my body is in overdrive.A story to tell sure everyone comes with a sad story thats waiting to be told the only problem is finding someone that is willing to listen and really understand where you been or going.I've been blogging for almost a year like most I come with a story better yet 2 stories thats waiting to be told my 1st story is Silent cries a story about a young child that had been rapped repeatly by here Aunt's live in boyfriend no matter how many cules she give no one picks up on them this is her way of gettin people to notice something is wrong without really telling cause shes afraid she will be killed but the many attempts she gives all had failed so her cries goes unheard  story 2 Crazy side kicks is a story about my life with a pro baller some people think that side kicks are nothing but gold digging women but that wasn't the case here I had no idea this man was a football player I wasn't the type to watch sports and to this day im still the same really don't watch much sports sure some baketball players I will know (only a hand full but not many) Dee and I had fun together we still remain close friends I will always love him because he was the one person that kept it real with me he had no secrets he came with no secrets at times I wish I would have done things diffrently meaning Dee wanted a stay at home lady but I loved my job just as much as he have for football I didn't want to totally rely on Dee to care for me I wanted to know that if Dee would get hurt playing what he love so much that we would be ok that I would be able to stand on my own caring for us but he didn't see it like that our realtionship ended but we still remain close after Dee and I ended our realationship I got involved with a man that came with many secrets he wasn't the man I once knew things had got bad to a point where he would rap me if I said I wasn't in the mood for sex... I kept that part of my like private afaid of what my family would say afraid of how people would look at me...but one day reality hit me and thats when I got out of the relationship I think if it wasn't for Dee having my back and God guideing me I wouldn't be the person I im today...Im single living my life back home in Cleveland ohio waiting on Mr right the real Mr Right to come resuce me while getting My 2 books in the right hands I want to someday publish my stories let everyone know that all side kicks are not gold diggers.

Welcome to my world

Sometimes people come into our life's and misjudge us for the words we sometimes speak they fail to know us for who we are without understand who we are, where we come from or where we've been They sometimes look at us in a different way because we may not fit into their life style We may dress a little different we may even talk a different language not realizing we all are the same.Sometimes people think they are a little better then you because they may have a little more then you sure, they may have that fancy car, that Beverley hills home with the white Pickett fence they may even have all the finer things in life that money can buy but at the end of the day your money is just as good we just don't have as much.Some people move on in life to bigger and better things living out they're dreams of becoming this big rap star,that blockbuster hit movie star or that R&B singer selling sold out shows singer in front of millions of fans but in the end your dream is just as big as theirs just taking you a little time to get there Some people move on and forget where they come from not realizing if it wasn't for us they wouldn't be who they are today Me, I will always remember what it took for me to get to where I am today because without them I wouldn't be where I am today, Its because of people like you that made me who I am today."Remember where you come from"

Fresh start

This is it! our first day of rebuilding our relationship will it stand the test or will we both come out going our different ways.There we were sitting in the lobby holding hands wishing we both would come out of this learning something new about one another something that we all seem to keep within ourselves something we all promise to take to our graves this thing we often call "Dark Secret" I knew I had no skeletons in my closet I never really dated. Dee was the only guy in my Life I know it seems hard to believe but I just didn't have time in my life for relationships.I felt that I wasn't pretty enough that I wasn't worth any man loving me or wanting me when I did get compliments from guys I never believed them I just felt I wasn't a lovable person to love.Sure I had a few flaws I felt I was "ugly'" put Dee looked beyond that and saw what he wanted to see and I love and will always love him for that. "The Taylor's" The Taylor's she calls again Dee and I walk in her office she points to two chairs that sat near her desk How are you two today? Dee answer's "we're fine" and yourself  she replies "I'm good, so what brings you here today How can my service be of help to you? Lets start with you she points to me I swear the words just started to pour out so freely I told her about Dee and my relationship how important it is to me I told her that I want to believe with all my heart that he really loves me I mean I think he does but I'm afraid I'll lose him.I went on to tell her that my how life no one every told me they love me not my mom,dad sister,brother no one so when I finally finds someone that tells me he loves me every day I think to myself what have I done so different that a stranger tells me he loves me even before my family what makes me more special to him then them Have gos sent me the perfect man every girl dreams of.But why me why did I deserve him I knew Dee really cared for me but i still had my drought me who didn't need anything A man that had a great career  a man that could have any girl he wanted but he choose me"he choose me'.....

No matter what problem lye's ahead of me/im gonna put it in the hands of the lord.../No matter what the outcome may be/I have faith he'll pull me through/And no matter no matter what road I take he'll be there to guild me/No matter where this journery leads me I'll follow through I'll never give I'll just call on you my father and ask you for your hand to help me....

I'll never give up never give in/im going to follow through/no, no, I'll never give up never give in/im going to follow through...

Just when I thought I couldn't make it /I heard you say to me/ my child im here I'll never leave your side /all you got to do is let me in and I'll guide you you gotta hold on you got to believe/you got to have faith.../no matter what your going through your not alone/im here my child im here/so wipe your tears away/theres no turning back you got to move on you got to move on....

I'll never give up never give in.im going to follow through/no,no I'll never give up never give in/.im going to follow through/never give up never give in....

Sorry

Never seems to amaze me no matter what we go though I can always count on you to left me up/Your always there/Never seems to amaze me/The love you have for me grows stronger every day/I must amit I must be the luckiest girl to have someone like you/ I just want to say

Baby I'm sorry for neglecting you/ sorry for not loving you/sorry for not giving my all
sorry for neglecting you/sorry for not loving you/sorry for not giving you my all/Baby I love you....

If tomorrow never come

If tomorrow never come I have nothing but kind words to say I hold no grudge for I can't judge you
If tomorrow never come I'll look down upon you smile and say I forgive you see you soon
If tomorrow never come I will not cry tears of sadiness but tears of joy that I've moved on to a better place
that I've lived my life with no regrets
If tomorrow never come I'm sorry I've never got to say "I Love You" I Love You !
If tomorrow never come  I just want you to know that when the time comes I'll be waiting here with open arms welcoming you home.If tomorrow never come,

Looking ahead

The championship games was coming faster then I had expected I was beging to see less and less of Dee but I had got use to this because his career had required most of his time I understood that so I didn't complain I was more happier when he had home games because thats when we spent the little time we had with eachother those are the times I cherish the most. I remember telling Dee that he was full of himself that he better not take things for granted.2004 my baby did his thing February 1st Reliant Staudium in Houston that was the teams moment they did it I was so proud of him and the team.The media was crazy lights,camera,Tv interviews e.t.c they had taken my man away from me but it was worth it.Things had began to slow down we were making plans to take a long overdue much needed vacation just to see where we stood with eachother and to get a better understanding of ourself with our realationship.Not sure where I wanted to vacation since I never been much outside of Cleveland Dee decided that we should go to Jamaica we stay for 1week the hotel was wounderful never seen anything like this in my life I told Dee if he keeps it up he would spoil a girl  I wouldn't know how to act his reply to that was "I know thats what am trying to do" I just smile and kiss him.Dee pampered me from head to toe it was specail because I had never met anyone in my life that was so into me. The vacation was soon coming to an end I didn't want to leave Jamaican villa (Las Palmas) Dee said if I wanted he would make arrangment for a couple more days but I knew we had to return to the states Dee had meetings and charity events that awaited him once we returned so I refused the offer.Dee and I kept our promise once we made it back to the states he took care of his meeting and events then we went to our Relationship class...Blog later

Its been a year since I decide to end the life of my child I'm not going to sit here and say unwanted child  she/he was very much wanted I was at a time in my life where I wasn't able to give a child the attention that they needed In my last post Dee and I weren't getting along and I wasn't sure if our relationship was going to stand this test Dee wanted to be a father so bad but at the same time I was thinking of his career as mine.I didn't want him to feel trapped for 18yrs meaning most ball players hook up with the wrong women she trap's him with the words "I'm  pregnant" he's trap she earns a fast ass bank account for the next 18yrs.But for me I had my own I didn't need Dee's money may have not been as much as he earned but I got by I didn't go without just leave it as that.I was different I knew I was because Dee often reminded me of this I must amit it felt good knowing that he looked at me in a different way that he thought I was special then most girls he had dating.Maybe it was because I was independent maybe because I never really ask for anything maybe because I didn't take him for granted or could it have been I didn't see him as my personal A.T.M. with the words "use as you wish"tatted across his forehead.

It had taken Dee sometime to excepted the fact that I had ended the life of our child In the back of my mind I regret what I've done but I can't take it back Dee and I soon but our difference behind us and began to work on our relationship it bothered me a bit when Dee ask me if I wanted to go to a couple's  counseling in the back of my mind I thought I had lost the man I grew to love and he had falling out of love with me punishing for ending the pregnancy "Sure I'll go when do we start? after the championship games is when we will go I really want us to get though this I really want to spend the rest of my life with you but I got to know if this is really what you want too is what he replied...... Blog later

My neighborhood

The sun never visit my neighborhood much those days there was no rainbow no pot of gold when the rain finally decided to slow down it was more like dark clouds and thunderstorms kinda like a hurricane that always landed in my neck of the woods snow storms and blizzards that always came knocking at my door.I dreamed that my prince charming would one day capture me and take me far away on some island were I can look up at the sun and ask him why he never visit me An island where I can rest upon the sand and enjoy every moment instead of regretting An island where I can let down my hair and feel the cool breeze as it flows through my hair An island where I can swim in the prettiest blue waters instead of the water falls that flowed freely from my eyes.I dreamed that my prince charming would protect me from harm not introduce me to him I always wanted to feel safe when I was in his presents but it didn't work that way I felt more safe when I wasn't in his present......

13 Chapters

Sex was not an option in our home it was his way and his way only some might call it rape but to him it wasn't I was his women and he could have sex with me when ever he wanted to that's what he use to tell me.There were so many nights where he forced himself on me I remember lying there thinking to myself "is he ever going to finish"I spent so many nights in the shower til I would fall asleep I hated for him to touch me I hated just being around him there were nights where I thought if I fake an illness I would be OK for the night that he would let me sleep sometimes it worked while others times it didn't On one occasion I was tired of him forcing himself on me tired of him using my body just tired of being tired I stood up and shouted no more! no more! I can't do this anymore! it has to stop am tired I can't go on any more! he looked at me then walks to the closet pulls out his hand gun that he kept on the top shelf pointed it against my head and told me to "shout the fuck up bitch! that's my pussy and I can have it when ever the fuck I want"he pushes me onto the bed placed the gun on the pillow next to my head.He then removed my clothes from that moment on I closed my eyes and prayed to God .. :(

13 Chapters

I went through hell and back with this man We were never married but I did my part held the family down even stood by his side through countless women that had come between us Like most couples we had our share of ups and Downs somehow our bad out weight the good.I had let this man break me down to a point where I tried to commit suicide by taking a bottle of pills as he stood there not trying to stop me.I must have blacked out because when I finally came through he was standing over me looking down on me he's words then were"Next time use a gun dumb ass that would do the trick you dumb fuck" My relationship with him was never Physical abuse but more like mental and emotional abuse words can hurt just as bad but you just don't have the scares to show.On the night of me taking the pills we had got into an argument over something so stupid I call my mom to ask her to see if my father would come over to get me because ? was upset and things wasn't going well in the house.I though parents were suppose to protect her child no matter what the situation is A child should feel that her parents are her safe haven Not for me, because my mom told me to stay and work it out see how things were in the morning.I couldn't believe she said those words to me In the back of my mind I had so many mix emotion about what had just played out What if things had went to far would she blame herself would she carry the guilt of me calling her to say something was wrong would she carry the guilt if I didn't wake from the over dose.There were so much that went on behind close doors that went unnoticed things that I never spoke about til today ? was once a loving man did his part and took care of me but somewhere along the way we lost each other I always feared that I would die by his hands that he would be the one to take my life he would sometimes tell me that If I every come up missing that my parents could find me on the railroad tracks with a bullet hole in the middle of my forehead.I use to tell my mom if I was to every come up miss have the police look at ? I even told her the location of a local railroad track to where my body might be.

Crazy Side Kicks: Silent Cries

Crazy Side Kicks: Silent Cries

My cries for help often went unheard I began to think was Mr Villain telling the truth about me being a misfit child about no one wanting me that no one loved me but him. I knew deep down inside it wasn't true or was it I left so many clues for my parents to pick up on but those too went unnoticed I remember when my mom would bath me I would point to certain parts of my body and say "Mom it hurts" she would often say "Stop wiping so hard when you pee" she never even cared to investigate what was going on down there even when she would often find spots of blood that was left behind from my Auntie boyfriend not washing my underwear well enough she would mistake it for me not being to clean.How could this be happening to me how could someone do all those things to a child Was God punishing me for something that my parents had done Still so many questions remain unanswered some of my classmates took notice to my behavior some ask question some just ask was I OK but the sad thing of it all is that my own family couldn't see the pain in my eye's they couldn't see my grades dropping they failed to see the weight dropping  just as well as me covering up my body in layers of clothes in 85* degree weather there were so many times I would pass out because of heat stroke but it didn't matter all was said to me was "drink water girl its to hot for you to go with out water"Damn it hurts like hell for me to sit and watch my family be so blinded .They failed to ask why why was I wearing 2 pairs of jeans 5 panties 2 shirt I just thought that if I wear a lot of clothes when it was time for Uncle Evil Villain to have his way with me by time he got to me taking off clothes someone would come but that trick soon came to an end cause Uncle Evil Villain had punch me so hard in my leg that I could barely walk (he would often hit me in places that clothes would cover he's marks) it didn't matter cause I would walk in the room in the nude just so my mother would take notice to the marks and ask questions but all she said was" You got to be a little more careful when you play! people are going to start thinking your being abuse" at that moment I though it was all over but my wishful thinking was soon shot down by the ringing of the house phone and mom walks away God how could she be so blind how could she not see all the signs that are there right in her face was it all true was I really the misfit child no one wanted and everyone pretend not to see what was going on with me and what he was doing to me I had to face reality that my life as I knew it was over no matter how much I prayed to God that he was never going to send someone for me that there was no one out there that could save me from my life of hell and I mean NO ONE!!!

How could a young child go though so much in her life I was 9 yrs old when my aunt's boyfriend started to have he's way with me I remember him coming in to the bedroom as I lye in bed He walks over to the bed pull the sheets back place one hand over my neck and the other over my month and tells me I better not scream or he would kill me there was so much pain down there I remember crying but nothing came out I could feel the pressure of the hold he had on my neck he began to kiss me in places at that time I didn't think was kissable I was getting sick because the room started to spin and get dark I tried my best not to fall asleep but the spinning of the room had me fast asleep.not sure how long I had slept but when I awoke everyone was up and Mr Evil Villain had already left for work as I worked my way to the table I stumbled from the pain in between my legs grabbed myself down there because it hurt so much my auntie said "are you OK" I wanted so bad to say no but I didn't want to die if I told her what he had done to me After breakfast I went into the bathroom to wash and get dress I notice there was blood in my panties by this time the pain wasn't better I remember sitting on the floor in the bathroom for the longest time til my Auntie knock on the door...knock knock knock .. Kimberly your Uncle needs to use the bathroom hurry it up in there girl he's got to be back to work in 45 min its his lunch time he ain't got all day child.What he's doing home he never hardly comes home for lunch did he come home to kill me because he thought I might have told my aunt.I began to gather my things I open the door there he was standing there I tried not to look up at him but I did as he look down on me he placed his hand over his neck as if he was choking himself then pointed his finger at me I ran so fast into the bedroom hide in the closet little did I know he came soon behind me He lied he never even had to use the bathroom it was his way of getting to me The bedroom door closes then the closet door closet its so dark in here not sure where he's at I mean I know he's here cause I could hear the hanger's hitting the floor then all of a sudden I feel him rubbing he's hands down there again The warmth of his hot breath whispers in my ears "Listen here you little bitch you better not say a word or I'll kick your ass then kill you do you hear me Kim? I said nothing "Bitch I know you hear me am not going to say it again you better keep silent about this you hear? The pressure he had on my neck got harder as I couldn't speak I shook my head yes.When he was done he went off  into the bathroom as if he was never in the closet with me and my auntie never took notice to his long stay in the so called bathroom....

Silent Cries

I use to wounder what my life would have been if I had lived a normal childhood what I mean by normal I mean where I didn't have to look over my shoulders all the time thinking who's going to hurt me or protect me or next time would my parents be able to notice when something was wrong with me I spent so much time blaming myself for what was going on in my life thinking I was to blame for my Auntie's boyfriend robbing me of my childhood why he had taken something so special away from me that I wanted to share only with my future husband so many mix emotions not knowing where to start with such a heavy load for a young child to carry around I didn't know what to do with myself.I remember "Uncle Evil Villain" (is what I called him)telling me the reason why he did what he did was because I was the "misfit child"that no one wanted me or loved me but him and when people love each other that's what they do for each other. I knew what he was doing was wrong I just didn't know how to go about telling someone As a child my parents never told us about strangers they never told us what to do if and when someone touched us in away that didn't feel right so how was I to know right from wrong if it was never discuss with us.Just the thought of him I often vomit but he didn't care cause he would still climb on top of me and have his way with me til I  pass out from the pressure of his heavy hands around my neck when I awake i would find myself in my bed in my pj's on so no one would notice what was going on I prayed to god a lot those days but he failed me cause all those times I would wish him(Uncle Evil Villain) dead but he would still wake the next day just to make me do things I never should have done or things he should have been doing with my Auntie. I often wrote during those times I would be alone with him wishing someone would come save me but no one did :(


Alone in a world with a voice that goes unheard
The pain I feel for you have never felt
My cries for help goes unheard
The scars you see are mistaken for falls I never had
The smile you see is an upside down frown I try to hide
The dreams I have are nightmares of you that haunt me night after night

Silent Cries

Every child look at their parents to be their protector someone to shelter them kinda like their superhero to save them from their evil villain where were my protectors my super hero's when I needed them to protect me from my villain In a world of my own not knowing who to run to not knowing who I can trust I was force to live in a world of pain.Many years after the death of my evil villain I'm still haunted by my past wondering how so many people over looked what was going on in my world what was happening to me in the hands of my Auntie's boyfriend how could she not hear my cries how could she not hear me calling out to her telling her to "Look, look Auntie Cindy look at what he's doing to me please help me"how could she not see what was going on right in her home in the next bedroom was she blind? I often wondered. How could she not hear was she deaf or was she so use to the noise that filled the halls of her run down apartment building from the neighborhood kids how could my parents not see the signs were they to so blind that they didn't know when their own child was in harm or did they not care.Every time my parents took me to my Aunts house I would get so sick to my stomach that I often vomit but they just brushed it off as if I had the so-called 7day bug I would have unexplained marks on my body in places that would make any parent say"What the hells going on with my baby" but they just got mistaken for falls I never had  if they would've stop and noticed the changes in me they would've known but they failed to pick up on my nightmares the many sleepiness nights my father would spend at my bedside until I fell back to sleep.So whats a 10yr old to do when she can't turn to her family.

By age 13 things didn't change Uncle Evil Villain still had his way with me when ever he wanted to and saw fit to but this time it was happening in my own home in my parents bed by this time my Aunt had got evicted and was living with us in the attic until she got on her feet it was easy for my parents because now they didn't have to tug us over to the baby-sitter she was already living with us.I remember one time my Aunt had walked in on him as he was about to rub my breast but he played it off as if he was showing me how to protect myself if I had ever got into a fight She walked away and said play safe I remember thinking to myself "Play safe?Play safe? come on! he never play safe because playing safe shouldn't have to hurt when you rub my breast play safe shouldn't have to hurt when you enter me in places that shouldn't be entered Play safe shouldn't have to hurt when you wrap your hands around my throat to keep me from screaming "help! someone please help me...

Regrets

July 21st will always be a day I will remember (always) this was the day I had terminated my pregnancy this was one of the most hardiest things I had to deal with Dee was very supportive but he had let it be known that if I go thought with this that he wasn't going to be there while I end our child's life that I understood but I just hoped that we had understood that this wasn't what I wanted I wanted him to understand that I had just become a new nurse and kids at that time wasn't in my plan.But he never really got over it cause as time went on I was reminded of what I did.Regrets is what I will always live with You have to understand that being a Peds Cardiologist Nurse at the Cleveland Clinic here in Cleveland Ohio had its share on me meaning every time I was around those kids/babies I thought about my baby wondering what she/he would have been what he/she may have looked like the thought of me not holding or never bonding with my baby There where times I had to run off to the bathroom just to pull it all together Dee had become very distance for awhile I didn't think we were going to make it it was as if he had become a stranger to me that someone had kidnapped the Dee I had falling in love with there were a lotof times where I would sleep alone because Dee found the quess room to more suitable to him at that time.As time went on Dee was becoming more of himself he did apologize and gave me reason why he was so distance I forgave him  We went on with our Life's. that following year I was faced with another decision I had make or should I say rethink.

My Child

I dream of you often wondering what you look like wondering if you were a boy or girl There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you Never got the chance to hold you to feel you to smell the sweetness of your skin I know someday I will have the chance to see my precious child There are no words that can explain my actions for not wanting you but I just hope you will understand that I wanted the best for you I wanted to give you a better Life then I When the time is right I hope that God will send you back to me so that I can have a second change to love you even more Love Mommy

So Confuse

I had so much weight on my shoulders it was such a heavy load I really Love Dee and would do anything not to hurt him but I also had to think of myself as well Dee and I weren't married he's a well known football player Being with a football player,basketball player tennis player for that matter any athlete had its ups and down meaning there are a lot of time when the couple are away from one another there are so many days/nights spent away from home We had a wonderful relationship I to had a lot going for myself I just didn't think me bringing a kid into my world right now was good the timing was all wrong I knew I couldn't give a baby all the attention that he/she would need I didn't want to be one of those moms that wasn't involved in the 24hr care of her child I didn't want any nanny raising my child I didn't want the care of some baby sitter caring and bounding with my New Born.On the other hand Dee had no idea that I felt this way I was so more afraid to tell him that I didn't want the baby then him going to jail.There I was getting ready for work when the phone rang it was Dee, it was sweet music to my ears when I heard those words "I got off baby we did it baby we did it" what do you mean we did it I replied the judge give me probation with a fine that's wonderful Boo see you when you get home" Love You" all the while am thinking of ways to tell him that I want an abortion that the timing was all wrong to have a baby.I was cooking dinner when Dee returned home with a welcome kiss that was followed by a huge Dee knew something was wrong I figure I had better tell him "better now then never right ?Blog you later

Fear of being alone

With Dee looking to do time in jail I had come to realize that the better part of me wasn't going to be there I had got use to the fact that no matter what was going on in my life he was always there I had got use to going to bed with him and waking up to him no matter if he had away games or not sure, I went to bed alone but when I would wake up I knew he would be there next to me I knew I would sometimes be awaken with a kiss letting me know he was home but not all nights were followed by a kiss.If Dee knew I had worked long hrs at the hospital he would let me sleep in But the biggest fear I had was being alone and not having him with me I wasn't sure if I could do everything on my own without him you know taking care of bills stuff like that even though I still had my own place I felt it was still my responsibility to handle his bills since I have been staying with him for that last 6mths We still kept my lease to my apartment only because I didn't want to break the lease and still end up paying for it.I know some of you may be thinking why the "hell would I be responsible for he's bills" but before you judge me I was living there we were in a relationship so I felt it was only fair.The night before he was due in court to face the judge I think I had never been more close to God meaning relationship wise I think I had talk to God more that night then any other time in my life asking him not to take Dee away from me not right now anyway We were just starting a relationship I needed him to. I remember Dee holding me close in his arms telling me that everything would be OK that he had taken care of everything that the bills was already taken care of for the next 6mths (He was thoughtful like that) I guess in the back of his mind he some how knew that he would do the 6mths.That morning Dee's lawyer's where all at the house getting last min things together me watching Dee walking from room to room hands in his pockets was hard to watch he was a "hot mess" I remember over hearing him tell one of his lawyers that he can't do this(Go to jail) not now not with everything else that was going on in his life or should I say our life's. Before learning  Dee might be up for some jail time we had learned that we were expecting our first child together.There were so many mix emotions going on in my mind about the baby I was still young had a great job working with 2 of the most well-know Hospitals here in Cleveland,The Cleveland Clinic and University Hospitals Of Cleveland you all might be thinking how did I pull that one(working for 2 well-known Hospitals) I did and still is to this day.Having a baby for me at that time wasn't a good idea a lot of women might see it as $$$$ I still had a lot I wanted to do with myself  plus having a baby doesn't keep a relationship together I remember thinking to myself how would I tell the man I Love that I didn't want this baby not now not like this so afraid of what he might think I still couldn't find the words to tell him Blog you Later !

Is the grass greener on the other side?

Some say the grass is greener on the other side but is it really or do we seem to think so only because in some way shape or form we weren't use to certain things that had come into our lifes until we come across someone who did everything for you, someone who had given you the world or that someone who was always there to give that shoulder or that ear when time got the best of you.To me my grass was greener on the other side not because he had given me every and anything  I wanted but just because of the attention the love he had showed me and to me that was enough.There were times I would think what my life would have been like if I didn't have him would I have ever had someone to love me as much as he did.Some women get involved with men for all the wrong reason they seem to think that money is more important then love While others just need that attention from her man.So remember sometimes the grass is not greener on the other side its only what you make of it and what you my seem to think is diffrent cause you never had or are not use to what have come into you life

Holding it down

When we had settle in for the night I was surprise when Dee had ask me to relocate with him to Miami now in the back of my mind the idea sounded great but was I ready to give up the life I had here in Ohio to move thousand miles away from friends, family and my job I don't think so, Dee was a wonderful person but at that time I thought we were kinda rushing our relationship things were happening so fast for me first there I was this normal girl having fun in a club with a couple friends to losing her virginity to a man within 2months of dating him to co-living with him to him asking me to move to another city with him.Dee had been use to relocating since he had once been traded to another team but as for me Cleveland was all I knew working for Cleveland Clinic was all I know .The thought of me being in Miami scared the hell out of me wondering will I find work yes I said work this is my calling caring for the sick.Dee and I were so close that he often came to me with ideas about how he should handle certain things in his life/career.But before Dee could up and go to Miami he still had to deal with personal things With off season coming at us so fast there we were back in court to see it he had to serve 6mths on the weapon charges that were pending against him Blog you later

Holding It Down

When Dee's past came back to haunt him things at that point seem to not go right for him at this point he had a lot to deal with but the media didn't make things better "As if they do anyway" facing a 6 mth jail term let alone being traded to the Dolphins wasn't easy.I started to rethink my relationship wondering if I had made the right choice as far as coming into something that I wasn't use to but I thought long and hard and realized that we were in this together and it wouldn't be right to leave after all he had done for me.As me being his lady it was only fair for me to stand by Dee's side and ride the roller coater relationship out because I knew it was going to be a bumpy ride so I decided to stay for the ride.Dee did his best to protect me from his troubles the only time his problems were in plan view is when he would ask if I be by his side when he had court appearances but still he did his best to protect me from the media a true gentlemen he is I will always love him for that like any relationship we had our ups and downs but the good always out weight our bad I guess that's why we stayed as strong as we did When Dee was away for games there were times in my life where I thought "what would I do"if he did go away for 6 mths don't get me wrong I knew I would be OK because I did before he had come into my life it was just the thought of not having him there with only 1mth left before the season would be over and not knowing what his future had planned for him I wasn't sure if we would remain together meaning with Dee having to relocate to a different city and me having my Life here in Cleveland I was unsure about our relationship you know that long distance thing but Dee had surprise me one night after coming home from dinner no we didn't live together we just "co-lived" is my definition of a couple being together but not Living together he thought this was Funny as hell he would always laugh when I make my own words up out of no where but that was me doing me kinda like keeping our relationship fun I guess.Blog you later !

Lets take a step back.

Im going to back up a little bit here kinda like rewind my blog you know, give a reason for my blogs so you can understand a little bit of where Im coming from Sometimes I wounder if I made a bad decision as far as giving my virginity away to a pro baller don't get me wrong it wasn't what you all maybe thinking so dont judge me until you have walked in my shoes.Im no groupie nor am I what some seem to call Jump-offs/Side Kicks just a girl in my opinion in the right place at the right time meaning just for a moment in my life I had finally found someone to love me.The moment Dee came into my life I knew it was going to be diffrent not sure how diffrent I just knew diffrent in away that my life would take a total change in the right/wrong direction but in a good way So young and scared so inexperienced did'nt know how he would take to me or my life style.He was so use to the fast life you know drinking the many diffrent women that flowed freely in and out he's life just because of who he was. Diffrent city diffrent girl he had the money fame and thats what draw the women his way Not sure if this was his life but we all know at some point we seem to misjudge athletics as being male whores.I was never blinded by Dee's fame never blinded by Dee's money like I had stated in my other blogs I didnt know he was a football player at first not until 2-3 mths into the relationship.So what Im saying is when Dee and I agreed to end the relationship we very much stayed close only because the relationship ended on good terms he wanted a stay at home girlfriend  I wanted my career just as he did football.Nursing is and forever will be my life I love taking care of the sick this is my calling just as fooball is and will always be Dee's. I just hope the next man I meet  is very understanding that I didn't waste 2 yrs of my life to became a Cardiology Nurse to just be a stay at home wife/girlfriend Its been 2 yrs now that we had ended our relationship and since then I have remained single am just afraid that I 'll never find anyone to love me for who I am but sometimes being alone gets the best of me.

My Thoughts "Part 2"

Never understood the true meaning of Love until you came into my life/You filled my life with so much joy and happiness I never dream it could be this way/You taught me that being in Love is not only loving the person your with but loving them for who they are/You shown me so many things there is to see I never knew could be/Am putting my heart under lock and key not afraid of falling in love but afraid I'll never find true love/You have given me so much more then life itself not sure how I can ever repay you for the Love you have given to me/You brought new meaning of love in my life and opened my eyes to a diffrent world/Your friends and family excepted me for who I was they didn't judge me because of where I came from am greatful to have had the chance to see such wounderful people/Even in the end they still have much Love and respect for me/Just want to say Thank you Guys so much for the warm welcome ,Love and respect you all have giving me.

My Thought's

Still young with room to grow/My life I have yet to live for its only just beinging/You have taught me so much yet I still have room to learn/So young and in Love not knowing if it would stand the test of time/You gave me comfort and hope to hold on/Not sure what life has planned for me or if I'll Love again/Just knowing your in my life I will be ok/ Being with you had taught me the value of life and what friendship really mean
Thank you Babe for loving me the way you do.

On Being Excepted

Even though we are no longer together he still play a big role in my life and I respect that No matter what time of day it was I knew he will be there for me(true friend) Love you ? I recall telling ? how I wanted to blog you know kinda like keeping a journal/dairy of special things that have/had happened to me in my life how would he feel he just ask if I would not name names that I understand because the media had already criticized him for certain things in his life about bad decision he had made in his career.When my friends/family found out who I was dating some of them was a little upset because they thought ? was using me just for sex even though I was a virgin when we met it wasn't about the sex I remember my father saying "I hope you know what your getting yourself into you know he can have anyone he wants because of who he is there may be other women just as yourself so be carefully" I understood that but I also understood that ? wasn't that type of person from the moment ? found that he was the only man that I have been with I think he had more respect for me as a person.And if anyone is wondering yes he still plays ball and doing is "thang" had to get my slang on LOL! We had some wonderfully times together vacations were always the best  For me to be just a "Girlfriend" his teammates and their wives treated me with open arms.Blog you later on my 1st visit to the home of ? its a surprise you will never believe me if I told you who it is til tomorrow later.

On Being Independent

My life with him was wonderful I had everything a girl could every want  for the first time in my life I had someone who really cared for me.Before ? came in to my life I felt like I didn't belong like I was always out of place with the world I felt that no one could ever Love me  if they did what reason would they have I'm not sure if its because growing up I never heard those woods or if it was just me I know within my relationship with ? I had made things hard for him don't get me wrong its was in a good way at least from my point of view but as I look back now I fully understand where ? was coming from There were times were I didn't let him do is part you know the man taking care of his girl  for an example on my birthday he had brought me my very first car.  Before he come into my life and me finding out what he did for a living my dream car at that time was this Grand Am you know simple something that I could afford I would go by the dealer's every now and again just to get a look at what would soon be mine only had 1 more paycheck coming before I knew it I had enough for the down payment long story short 2 weeks later went to go make the payment  there was ? standing there with the keys in his hand, yellow bow on the car(yellow) my fave color I should have jump for joy because my man had brought me my 1st car but guess what I didn't feel that way maybe I'm wrong but I felt betrayed don't ask why I just did  The reason why is because everyone that was in my life that had ever did anything for me always reminded me of what they had done for me always telling me "if it wasn't for me you wouldn't had this or that" so from that point on I never asked anyone for anything if I couldn't afford it it must have not been met for me to have Don't get it twisted I'm not to proud to ask for help just don't want to be reminded of it that's all.When I ask ? why did he buy the car for me he said "I just wanted to do something nice for you can I do that for my Girl" Once again I felt special but guess what I didn't keep the car I gave it back only because this was something that I wanted to do for myself I didn't want our relationship to end  and ? ask for the car back we all know relationships start off good only because we're trying to make our self look good come on we all have done it a time or too.Another reason why I guess I felt I needed to do everything on my own I had never had a boyfriend in my life I understood the meaning of being in a relationship I just felt as if I needed to do for myself because if I didn't no one would. Now on the other hand my parents took good care of us did whatever needed to be done to care and provide for use but outside of that I always did for self. Blog you later on 3/30/2010

On Staying Together

Yes we stayed together our relationship lasted almost 3 yrs.During that time he had come to grips that my job was as important to me as football was to him The first time that ? told me he loved and cared for me I didn't fully understand how to take it Since I could remember, no one had ever spoken those words to me not my mom not my dad for that matter nor my brother or sister.I know my family loved me because it showed in the things that they had done for me but the words" I Love You"  were never spoken in our home so when someone tells you this for the first time in your life your not sure how to take it I understood that he loved me I understood the meaning of love but what I didn't understand was how can someone grow to love me I came from a different world then he did we both had two different life styles but he didn't let that stand in the way of how he cared for me.? always told me how different I was that I was special I never understood his reasons so I grew my own conclusion you see.. I was a virgin I never told him  Yes I said virgin you read right I just didn't know how to say those words to him "I'm a Virgin" so when the time did come for us to take our relationship up to the next level I still didn't tell him he found out on his own that night so I guess that's what made me different I don't know I'm just saying.That night was special not just because of what just happen it was the way he held me in his arms I knew I was right where I needed to be and that was in his world.During the time we dated none of my friends knew who I was dating they knew I was dating but just didn't know who I just didn't want them to come my way looking for handouts.When ? had to leave for away games he would always make sure I was OK meaning as far as bills but that didn't impress me I say this  because I was taking care of bills before he come along I didn't need him for that it was nice but wasn't a big deal that he took care of things before he went away

Part 2 of 1 Crazy side kicks

I had accompanied ? to many sport events,games, Charity events dinner you name it we done it I wasn't one of those women that needed to be validated on whom I was just because of whom I was with.Lets talk about the media Wow ! its funny how they can help build your career and help end it at a drop of a dime So for those men out there that say "Real men Don't Cry" that's a damn lie ? was all man there were times where I did witness him cry.I've learned that being in the media you have those moments when you sit back look at your life and say" why me I'm not the person they making me out to be" there's not a damn thing you can do about it Its all about being or trying to be a role model but get caught up in the hype of it all and get mislabeled but you just have to raise above it all is what I use to tell him.Our relationship wasn't always perfect sweet but not always  perfect now don't get it twisted I was very much happy he always made sure of that but the one thing that we always fought about was the fact that I was independent I had my own I didn't need he's I wasn't the one to take advantage of a person because of what they had or whom they were I always had a job. When I met ? I was and still am til this day work full time at a local Hospital here in Cleveland ? was the type of person who felt I didn't need to work he wanted me to quite the job that I had come to love.I remember the time I had told him that I had finally quite my job He was so happy that in return he had surprise me with a week vacation on a cruise I must have been the happiest women on earth because I never been anywhere let alone on a cruise but at the same time I felt bad because I had lied I never did quite my job I just went from full-time to part time I just thought "shit he'll never know"because he was always on the road playing ball That's when my little white lie came back to haunt me. Part 3 coming to a blog site nearest you March 27 2010 "The outcome of my little white Lie, Did we remain in a relationship or did we end it blog in to see what happens" til then blog you later !

Crazy Jump Off's

Could anyone please tell me why these crazy Jump Off/Side-Kicks what ever you want to call them get into a relationship or even sex relationship with a married man  Famous person for that matter.Look at Tiger Woods now Sandra and her husband these women know right from jump what they're getting into.I'm not taking up for the men here because they to know right from wrong I blame them as much as the women they encounter. I guess you can say I use to be a side kick/ jump off but I knew how far to go and how far not to go What I mean by that is I didn't take our so called relationship to serious meaning I knew that the man I was dealing with may have had other women just as myself At that time it didn't matter because I wasn't trying to end his career.Am 26yrs old now, at the time I was 22 I had got into a relationship with a well-know football player not sure if he was married with a family or not there was no ring(but we all know a ring can be removed at any giving time) I'm not going to reveal his name because even though we are not together we have a very close friendship At the time I had no idea he was a ball player I met him here in my hometown "Cleveland" at a local downtown night club When he approached me his name didn't mean anything to me I just thought he was just like any other guy in the club picking up random girls.He didn't take notice at first to me not knowing whom he was until one day he had a away game told me to watch the game for him and to make sure I record it for him that's when I noticed him running across the field.During our 2yr relationship never did I ask ? for anything I was so use to the fact that there was no silver spoon in my mouth use to the fact that I had worked hard to get the things that I wanted When I looked at him I didn't see dollar signs nor did I see what I can gain from this relationship.I saw a warm kind hearted person the fame the money all that wasn't what I was about that was his time not mine. As a girlfriend,sidekick or jump-off what ever you want to call me I knew when to step back and let him shine I knew when to step up and do my part. "Part 2" coming soon to a blog site nearest you March 26 2010